Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best

1**. **I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with**.
**2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
**3.**During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. **Just the other night she called me from a hotel**.
**4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
**5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt**and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle **came off. **I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
**6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
**7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
**8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. **She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
**9. I'm so ugly... **My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
**10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to**my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he**pulled through."
**11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... **AFTER I was born.
**12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
**13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help**me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
**14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
**15. I'm so ugly... **I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.*
*16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
**17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
**18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
**19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt**because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
**20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
**21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
**BONUS When I was a kid I asked my father to take me ice skating. He said, "Wait 'till it gets warmer*

From http://www.forexfactory.com/showthread.php?p=1937826#post1937826